Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Bachelorette Told Me To - PART 1 (Monday's episode)

 So episode 5 starts out with Chris Harrison letting the girls know they need to pack up because they are going to Montana.
And let me just say this, from the looks of things, I want Montana to give me a rose.

And just to be clear, this episode of The Bachelor in Montana is brought to you by a Blue Plaid Shirt.
It was like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Blue Plaid Shirt.
First, Lindsey....then the blue team....then Tierra.


And now for the play by play....

Danielle is excited to go to Montana and see Sean, and when she screamed "I get to see my boyfriend!  Yay!" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
Lindsey gets the coveted 1:1.  On the way out the door, she asks
 "Is that a helicopter?"
Lindsey, you're on The Bachelor.  In fact, you're on Season 17 of The Bachelor, and it's probably the 78th helicopter we've seen.  Duh.  It's a helicopter.


Not much happens on the date.
They cuddle.  They kiss.  There is a little bit of baby talk. (But she's cute and sweet, so I forgive her.)
And it was confirmed for me that I don't like the word "adolescence".
I think she said the word like 4 times in about 32 seconds.
And then this girl in the background sings "I want to be your cigarette."  What?

On to the group date!
8 girls get chosen for the group date where they are going to get to saw wood, throw hay bales, hike, canoe, and WAIT FOR IT...milk goats.
How in the world do they come up with this stuff?
You know every little piece of this date was complete suckage for these girls.
Sawing wood = suckage

Canoeing = suckage

Milking a goat = I can hardly even talk about the level of suckage without my gag reflex kicking up.
Listen....I don't drink cow's milk, so the thought of goat's milk just about puts me over the edge.
And warm goats milk straight out of the teet straight up makes me want to barf.

The blue team gets sent home, and the red team is SUPER pumped.
Then they find out that the blue team gets to come back.
Total buzz kill, and  they are less than impressed.
All I can think is POOR DESIREE.  POOR, POOR DESIREE.
It's as if she chugged the goat's milk just for the heck of it.
(FYI: don't google image search "desiree drinks goat milk".  Trust me.  You won't find Desiree, but you will find some other guy drinking goat's milk STRAIGHT FROM THE GOAT.)

When Chris Harrison goes to the house to let the blue team know that they get to go back to see Sean, we see Tierra sitting at a table by herself writing a letter.
I haven't actually seen the letter, but I imagine it says something like this:
Dear Sean,
If you don't pick me, I will kill you.
Hugs,
Tierra

Selma's mad about the blue team getting to come back.
 Selma's talking about herself in the 3rd person.
Sheaffer doesn't care.  Sheaffer still likes Selma and thinks she is GORGEOUS.

What?  Morgan Freeman gets the rose on the group date?
See the post HERE if you are cofused by this.


Tierra and Jackie get the much dreaded 2:1 date, and even though we have no idea who Jackie is, I think I heard all of America cheering knowing that Tierra would most certainly
get kicked to the curb.
Does anybody else think that Tierra might have slipped Jackie's horse a little somethin somethin to make it a little sluggish?
(Don't know why this looks like a video.  It's not.)

I'm thinking that we shouldn't count our chickens before they hatch people. 

Tierra scares me a little bit.  
Scratch that, she scares me a lottta bit.
Like her laugh in her 1:1 interviews actually frightens me.
And so does her eyebrow. 
And so does the way she says "threatened"....like this:  "THREH-ened".
That's scary. 
And ghetto.
Don't kid yourself.  She would boil a bunny.  
Jackie's horse should count it's lucky stars that he wouldn't fit in a pot.

Akward:  Party of 3.
How do you know if it's akward on your date?
You tally up how many times you talk about the fish that you're eating.
Jackie gets sent home, and America shakes it's collective head.

And Sean, I want to take you by the shoulders, look you straight in the eye, and scream
"WHAT THE FREAKIN' FREAK?"
I know that the MAIN THING Shay said to you before you left was to LISTEN to the girls in the house if they were all feeling the same about one girl.
#listentoyourbigsisteralready
And for that matter, LISTEN TO KENSINGTON!!!!!
Your sweet 4 year old niece even knows you need to send Tierra packing.
Ah yes, she is wise beyond her years.

He sent home Robyn at the rose ceremony. 
She's going to have to start her Bad Girl's Club some place else.

And now for my outfit recreation.
I thought I would choose Jackie's white tank, denim shirt, skinny jeans, and boots look.
It's a look I have already worn many times myself.
 (okay...so I'm cheating...I pulled this from my archives)
Denim ShirtTHIS denim shirt is sooooooo cute.
It's the perfect amount of distressing, and it's just a teensy bit westerny without being
too yee-haw ride 'em cowboy.

If you want to see LOTS of my denim shirt looks, click HERE.
White Tank|  LOFT
Black Leggings|  Francesca's
But Alison at Get Your Pretty On talked about THESE little beauties and I haven't stopped thinking about them.  Leggings that suck me in? Sign me up!
Click HERE , buy them for yourself, and throw an extra pair for me in your cart would ya?
Brown Boots| several years old,
 but I'm thinking there has to be a similar pair at the Nordstrom boot sale!
Click HERE if you are new to the blog and want to see some of the on sale boot links
that I highlighted at my SALE ALERT!
 GORGEOUS boots at 30-50% off
Good stuff people, good stuff.

The End.

Make sure you check back on Thursday for Part 2!
And don't forget to check out Shay's blog HERE for a Q and A post!
And if you want to see my recaps of the other episodes, click HERE!

you can follow me on facebook HERE
you can follow me on Pinterest HERE
you can search me on twitter at @simsslp

Linking Up Today With:

pleated poppy
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37 comments:

  1. The moral to this story is that when you don't listen to me...Tierrable things happen to you. You better always remember that Sheaffer! :)

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  2. Love your recaps and you are too, too funny!

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  3. Love the recap! That outfit is cute too. I really want a denim shirt now!

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  4. Your note about google images made me lol!

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  5. As always, I get a great laugh before I start my day! Thank you!

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  6. i love this post!! haha and the concept of your blog is so great :) now following! <3

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  7. hilarious! best.recaps.ever!!! so many of your thoughts are my thoughts only you're way funnier than me ~ ha! =)

    and your denim shirt look? so cute! you are rockin' it for sure! =)

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  8. Hilarious! I missed that episode but I'm glad he sent Robyn home...I can't look at her anymore without the awkward felling of her asking Sean if he wanted to taste the chocolate coming back. Yuck.

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  9. Hilarious! I missed that episode but I'm glad he sent Robyn home...I can't look at her anymore without the awkward felling of her asking Sean if he wanted to taste the chocolate coming back. Yuck.

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  10. LOL!!! I loved all of it. And that denim shirt it really fabulous.

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  11. LOL!!! I loved all of it. And that denim shirt is really fabulous!

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  12. I can't stop laughing at the comment you made that Tierra would boil a bunny! ;) Awesome recap!

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  13. Tracy thinks Sheaffer is super, super funny. ;)

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  14. Great recap! I like what Selma said last night about things always rising to the surface.. I still have faith in Sean's final choices! Can't go wrong with a blue plaid shirt or a denim shirt in the wilderness! :)

    floralandfudge

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  15. Always funny! I wondered if I was the only one that noticed that dreadful song - I want to linger on your breath...I want to be your bad habit?!?! What the what? Tierra is probably the best crazy that has been on bachelor in awhile. Nutso. I can't wait to see how she reacts when she doesn't get a rose. Which I am praying happens soon.

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  16. Always funny! I wondered if I was the only one that noticed that dreadful song - I want to linger on your breath, I want to be your bad habit...what the what? Terrible. Tierra is probably the best crazy that show has had in awhile. I can't believe he hasn't caught on yet. How come she is the only one that has needed a medic three times - c'mon Sean get your head in the game - DRAMA is not what you want to marry. Can't wait to read part II. :)

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  17. Can we please be friends in real life? Your post made me laugh until I cried. I, too, learned that I hate the word adolescence. Who says that? And the "cigarette" song made me stop and ask my husbnad "did she just say she wants to be someone's cigarette?!" Great post, once again!

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  18. Your posts always make me smile or laugh but this one literally made me Laugh Out Loud! I was glad I was the only one here or it would've been Tierrable!

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  19. Your recaps are beyond hilarious!! Thank you for providing such entertaining reading!

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  20. I love it when you talk about The Bachelor and I really wish I could watch that show. I feel like I am missing out but I suffer from secondhand embarrassment syndrome and it is just way too painful to sit through an episode.

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  21. Love reading your recaps. I died of laughter at this one... out loud... at work! I swear you're inside my head with all your comments. I especially loved your take on Tiarra's letter and the fact you said she'd boil a bunny! Thanks for the laughs!

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  22. Why don't we live closer? I so wish we could watch The Bachelor together.....Sigh.

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  23. I love your recaps- and your blog. I literally laugh out loud all the time. and- I now need to find you on facebook, pinterest and twitter because you are awesome.

    Shannon
    twodudesandadiva.blogspot.com

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  24. Hilarious -- love love love these recaps!

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  25. I was noticing the plethora of blue plaid shirts too! I thought FOR SURE that's the outfit you would recreate! This show makes me sooo glad I'm married! I am not up for sawing a log or milking a goat to show my affection!

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  26. Girl, I don't even watch The Bachelor but I LIVE for these recaps! You crack me up! Keep 'em coming.

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  27. I haven't watched the episode yet (tonight's the night!) but I quickly scanned your post and checked out your outfit. This has become a staple outfit of mine. Sometimes with a bright pink scarf, or my statement bubble necklace. And I bought the target suck in skinny leggings Alison/get your pretty on recommended. Had to buy them online. They are great. They are kinda shiny like a running pant but they don't see through and they do suck me in and don't leave a muffin top. Perfection

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  28. Ps- Jessie h comment. Second ham embarrassment syndrome. Omg crack me up. I so get that. It's why I had to quit watching the office. It was too painful and uncomfortable!
    Sheaffer you are hilarious. Can't wait to watch the episode and then read your comments!

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  29. I have never laughed so hard than when I read these recaps! You are hilarious! I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught Tierra stealing somebody's blue shirt and that girl singing about the cigarette:)

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  30. Just got home from a trip and watched this episode. Jackie has such pretty hair. I think Sean was not ready for any more awkward candy jokes and would have sent Robyn packing last week but needed to get Amanda off first. I also find it amazing that they fit so many outfits into the one little bag they park at the door. Surely there was more!?!

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  31. Love the denim shirt look! You put it together so well!

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  32. I laughed so hard at this recap! Tierra is a hot mess!!!! Can't wait to read more next week :)

    -Hannah
    hanspirations.blogspot.com

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  33. You are SO funny! Tierra is just Tierrafying! Seriously, how does he not realize what's going on?

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  34. Your recaps are "pee my pants" funny! The goat milk thing was not only gross, but it was altogether weird--Bachelor meets Survivor? Total Fatal Attraction-she screams boil a bunny!

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  35. Love the recap....you are hysterical!!!

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  36. I actually cried while laughing out loud reading your post.Thank you for saying what America is thinking and more. Hilarious! Love It! Thanks again, will follow.

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I would of course love to hear what you think! As long as it is super sweet.....and maybe a little sassy. Sheaffer :)

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