Thursday, February 7, 2013

A Bachelorette Told Me To: Part 2

Now they're in Canada....and it's beautiful....but it's also $#*& cold.
  Sean and Catherine go on their 1:1 date.
They play in the snow, he takes her out in a little surry with the fringe on the top, and they hang out in a little hut made of ice. 
The date was cute enough...and they seem to really be digging each other.
Pay attention to the picture on the left.  Yep...they're digging each other for sure.
My biggest advice to Catherine:
NEVER say again that you're a vegetarian who likes beef.
America will surely turn on you if you say it again.
Oh wait, before we leave this date.
If you have any question how cold it was, just take a look at Sean's face.
Yeah, it was cold.
Okay, on to the group date.
They canoe. Again.
Sean announces that they are all going to do the Polar Bear Plunge and states,
"I like women that like to have fun and enjoy life."
Really buddy?  I like to feel my extremities and not fall victim to frost bite, but nobody asked me.
Just so you know, if I had been in this group of ladies, the picture below would have
looked a little different.
I would have been quietly backing up, and you might have heard me whisper "Peace out Homeys."
And I'm pretty sure my face would have looked just like Selma's.
She was able to convey just the right amount of confusion and horror at the idea.
I heart Selma.
She makes me laugh.
And I want her boobs.

One of the medics is talking to the girls and says, "You understand that this water is Glacier fed?"
I would have been all,

While jogging in place, Lesley says
"Sean is going to come give me CPR, and then shock me back to life, and then we'll make out."
I like her optimism.
That Lesley is a glass 1/2 full kind of girl.

Tierra runs into the aforementioned GLACIER FED body of water,
but she looks like she is running from an axe murderer....or a yeti....or a yeti with an axe.
Oh wait...that's on the next episode.

Everybody jumps in. 

And then everybody acts like it was the best thing they've ever done.

That's when Tierra turns blue, gets a mad case of the shakes, and has trouble breathing.
Ya'll, I agree that Tierra has a case of boy who cried wolf, but this really did look serious to me.
And was it me, or was ABC a bit unprepared?
I mean, THANK HEAVENS the medics were there to wrap her in tin foil, yell for her shoes, carry her haphazardly to a car that was really really really far away, and then very methodically pat her.
It's a good think she didn't need serious medical attention or she would have been toast.

My hope is that the ABC execs were pooping their pants when Tierra was clinging to life and they were having to walk her down this freakishly long path.
Listen, I understand that it isn't any fun for us to watch if the Bachelor takes a date to a movie and to The Olive Garden, but there's got to be a happy medium somewhere?!?

Two words for Tierra when looking at this picture.
Well. Played.

All the girls look surprised that Tierra made it to the party. 
Don't they know that you can't keep crazy down?
Sean lets Sarah go, and I'm really sad for both of them.

It's time for Dez's 1:1 date.
I like her a lot, but I wasn't a huge fan of the date.
They repel down a mountain, and they both spout metaphors about how it's like a relationship.
 Dez talks about her childhood.
I look at Sean's sweater and think, "Pinterest did NOT tell him to do that."
 Dez says "I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent and here I am,
falling in love in a teepee."
 Yes, she really said that.
OR one of the producers said it and then told her to say it.

Now we're at the cocktail party.
Nothing new tonight.
Sean thinks his wife might be in that room,Tierra is acting like a 2 year old,
and Selma still has the most awesome boobs ever.
Exhibit A
I mean, take a minute to just look at them.
Jeni, you are so right.  They are spectacular.

With her awesome boobs on display, she asks her mama to forgive her but talks about how she needs to bring the big guns and give Sean a kiss.
Selma, you already brought in the big guns.
You are packing some serious heat in what I'm betting is a 32DD.

Lindsay and Sean giggle and talk about how they aren't going to make out.

Ashlee gives us a big speech about relinquishing control and decides the best way to show Sean that she is willing to do that is to participate in bondage. 

Now we're at the rose ceremony.
I already miss Sarah's fashion sense.
Tierra, what the wha are you wering? 

Sean sends 4 girls home.
Daniella, Selma, and both of Selma's boobs.
I'm really sad to see 3 out of 4 of them go.

I'm not doing an outfit recreation because frankly, I just don't have the energy.
I considered wrapping myself in tin foil, but that was going to require me going to the grocery store because we're out of foil.

Thanks again for stopping by for the recap!
  Don't forget to check out Shay's blog HERE for a really great 
Q and A post!
And if you want to see my recaps of the other episodes, click HERE!

you can follow me on facebook HERE
you can follow me on Pinterest HERE
you can search me on twitter at @simsslp

And if you're interested......
 There's not a huge selection, but I found some bags at Nordstrom that are on sale!  
Below are some metallic ones that I like.  
{Metallic is good for any season, which makes these bags a great deal!  And the snakeskin?  Swoon.}
Just click on one of them if you are interested!

And remember one of the secrets I learned, if you go to Nordstrom by clicking HERE, go to the search bar in the upper right hand side and just write in whatever you are searching for.
(ex. boots on sale, athletic shoes on sale, purses on sale, dresses on sale, jeans on sale, WHATEVER!}

Also, GAP is 25% off your entire purchase, just click HERE
And LOFT's sale is on sale!  An additional 30% off!  Click HERE.
J Crew Factory's sale is on sale, and there are reduced prices site-wide.  Click HERE.

Now, make sure you come back next week for what I'm thinking might be my favorite recap yet!

And check back tomorrow for my OBSESSIONS post!  Good stuff y'all.  I promise.


  1. Each episode is better than the one before! Love this recap! I was laughing out loud!! XOXO

  2. A.freaking.dore you!!! I wish you had a recap of something everyday b/c I laugh each morning when I log on to read. Thanks for being hilarious.

  3. Love the recap! So funny! I'm going to start looking forward to reading these!

  4. Yeah, I'm having a little bit of boob envy right now myself. Awesomely funny recap!

  5. Glad you mentioned Sean's sweater on here. My husband sat down for just a few seconds while I was watching the show and he even commented on how ugly it was. Do you know if someone from the show pick Sean's clothes out for him? That sweater was terrible! LOL!!!! :-) By the way, I LOVED your recap. You are so FUNNY!

  6. I was rolling!! Your recaps crack me up!! Absolutely love reading them!!

  7. I agree, Catherine should NEVER, EVER say that she is a vegetarian that likes beef. NEVER! That comment kind of ruined my opinion of her from the beginning. Bad first impression...

    1. I think she was joking bc Sean is a "beefy hunk" - right?!?! She is a vegan so she doesn't actually eat beef!

  8. OMG you crack me up. Movie and Olive Garden? For reals... I'd be ok with that!

  9. Shay is right.... each episode recap is better than the one before that. I mean, I REALLY didn't think you could top your post yesterday, but yet.... you did. You freaking nailed it! :) I loved the part about Selma's boobs, I loved the Olive Garden comment.... you are hysterical! I wish I lived in Texas so we could be best friends!!


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  11. Another poster here to say I love your recaps! Especially b/c I'd been telling my friends how PISSED I would be about a lot of these dates this season. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. :)

  12. Selma's boobs are indeed enviable...I even paused the show during that same clip and thought, 'wow, where have those been?!' Your recap cracks me up...I think because I was thinking all the same stuff. It would be total snarky-parade if we watched it together. Sarcasm flying! ;)

  13. You are SO seriously funny!! I love reading your recaps!!

  14. YOU are hilarious!!! Thanks for the laughs! Love that you were thinking to do tin foil that would have been awesome and of course the racoon eyes would have been a must too!
    Morgan :)

  15. Oh Sheaffer - you are really setting the bar high each time you write these. This one was a riot. I'm with you - I probably would have said Peace Out too to jumping in the frozen lake. They are really making these girls earn their keep this year with these crazy dates. ABC should have you featured on their website -- it's that funny.

  16. Oh, what will we do when Tierra is booted off? She is the comedic relief at this point! What an actress! And serious, what was up with the rose ceremony outfit...HORRIBLE! Love the was a good episode!

  17. Love your other readers have already commented, I literally laughed out loud over and over! Such a cute, fun blog! :)

  18. Sheaffer - you are great! Love your recaps. You are seriously a hoot! Thanks for the great blog and for making us all smile. In this day and age a smile can go a long way!!

  19. Sheaffer, you crack me up!! I love to read your posts about all the girls and drama and craziness!! Keep it up :)

  20. "Pinterest did NOT tell him to do that" it! Your recaps are awesome, you are a crack up!

  21. I LOVE these recaps! You are so stinkin hilarious and I love it! I also love Selma's boobs...sigh...3 kids later I am not looking like that. I'm so glad you mentioned Sean's was horrible! I'm so excited to read your next recap!

  22. I'm so confused everyone!!!! Why was Catherine's comment so bad?? I thought she was just joking because Sean is "beefy" - I thought it was kind of funny - I missing something?!?!
    Love your blog!

  23. It wasn't that Catherine's comment was "bad". I just thought it was super cheesy. That's all! :)

  24. Hi! I'm new here and love your blog!! I was wondering if you would feel comfortable making a prediction of who you think will win (assuming you don't know?) I'm curious to see who you think Sean has chemistry with.
    Thanks, Lexi

  25. Hilarious! You mean you didn't want to stand outside freezing in your bikini and take a photo for all of us to see? ;)

    I liked Sean's date with Catherine...they seem to have a lot of fun together. Rumor has it (which you cannot confirm or deny) that he is engaged to her. I hope it's true because she seems like she'd fit in very well with you and Shay. Some how I don't see you hanging out with Tierra's eyebrow ;)

    Not surprised by who Sean sent home. His heart was in the right place letting Sarah go when he knew she wasn't the one for him. I felt bad for her for being caught totally off guard, though.

    Lindsey and the "we're not going to kiss" thing confused me...wasn't that Selma's thing? enjoying this season and your blog definitely adds to the fun!

  26. He reminded me of Jack Frost in one of the Santa Clause movies on his date with Catherine.

  27. You definitely cannot keep crazy down!! I still think it was a little fake...I mean I bet I could fake that crap! Good acting is what that was!

  28. oh and how do you feel about Selma's boobs? LOL! I wonder if their is a twitter for those babies!!

  29. You crack me up! I just love your blog and can't wait to read your post every day! ;)

  30. LOVED the Pinterest Did Not Tell You to wear that sweater Sean part. David Letterman and you are part of a very select few that can always make me laugh out loud. You also make a very good point about ABC not being prepared at all for any medical problems. Tried my first inspiration the other day from you...paired a mint green cardigan (found from your sale link to J. Crew) over a lavendar top paired with dark jeans. have to recreate the "foil" outfit, it would be hilarious, including the mascara...

  31. love reading your bachelor recaps. You managed to observe all of my observations from last night's episode, but in a much funnier way. Love your blog!

    oh, by the way, hello. I am a pinterest addict myself. I can quit whenever I want to, really I can. :)

  32. Finally home from our trip and catching up on these;your recaps are so fun to read! I feel like I'm watching General Hospital with all of Tierra's medical issues. I also wondered when AshLee confided in all of America that she doesn't like to be blindfolded if she participated in Pin the Tail on the Donkey games as a child. And Desiree has the cutest smile and sparkly eyes. I think she looks a little like Katie Holmes. And I really wanted to brush all the ash that flew up from the fire out of her hair.

  33. you have to watch the deleted scene of catherine herself to sean. at the last portion while looking at sean's pics ( with her mom ), she uttered, i love beef! that video was hilarious at least for me.

  34. P.S. Sean looks like an Oompa Loompa out on the glacier.

  35. I just read both of your posts back to back and I'm literally crying laughing. "Don't kid yourself. She would boil a bunny." DEAD. I don't know if that's a saying where you're from or what, but it was new to me and I LOVE IT.

  36. I think it's funny that she says its shameful to her culture to kiss on national television but it's okay to let your ta-tas hand out??? Doesn't quite make sense to me! HA!!

  37. Thanks for making me laugh. You rock!

  38. Sheaffer.
    Sheaffer, Sheaffer, Sheaffer.
    Words cannot express how much I appreciate you!
    You have Made. My. Day. with your delightfulness
    Thank you, friend!


I would of course love to hear what you think! As long as it is super sweet.....and maybe a little sassy. Sheaffer :)

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