Wednesday, February 27, 2013

A Bachelorette Told Me To

(Before I start the recap...
make sure  you read all the way to the bottom to see the Stella and Dot contest!)

So, here we are with the final 3 girls.
AshLee, Catherine, and Lindsay
 Bachelor 2013 Spoilers: Who Are Sean Lowe’s Final Two?



Team Bachelor travels with these girls to Thailand, and we get to see lots of beautiful scenery.

And Sean..if you are reading this, listen to me.
This next picture needs to be, wait, scratch that -
IT HAS TO BE  your screen saver from now until the day you die.


And I can't put my finger on it, but I suddenly find myself missing Selma more than ever.
;)

Before we get to the dates, we get a little montage of the history Sean has with each girl as he talks over the footage.
When reminiscing about Catherine, he says,
"She's a little weird and nerdy and goofy.
We are always laughing."
Okay.  Fair enough. Laughing is good.

When talking about AshLee he says, 
"My relationship with Ashley is probably the strongest relationship I have.
She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across."
He also says that AshLee has lots of qualities that he would like in a wife.
Yeah.  Me Too Buddy.
If I had sister wives, I would DEFINITELY want at least one of them who was totally OCD and would organize my pantry and linen closets.
However, I feel it is important to note that I would prefer that sister wife
 to NOT have a body like AshLee.
Yes, I think I shall take a sister wife who is not super cute,
but makes up for it in her organizational skills.
And then Sean says this, 
"To know that someone that I like so much is in love with me is humbling."
Um.
Uh-oh.
This is not a good sign for AshLee.
Label your toiletries and carefully pack your bags sister. 
Sounds like you're going home.

While talking about Lindsay he says,
"Lindsay and I have this spark that has grown into this massive flame."
He then said, 
"I thought Lindsay could be crazy, and not a good crazy."
Yes, wedding dresses on a first date tends to be a red flag for a guy...but surprisingly
we've moved on from that.

ON TO THE DATES!

LINDSAY'S DATE
Lindsay and Sean go shopping in the Thai Market.
Lindsay says that Thailand is not anything like Fort Leonard Wood.
Sean, hold on to this girl, she is super smart.
They roam around awhile sharing food and petting rainbow colored chickens.
Then comes the time in their tour of the Thai market where they are expected to grub on some bugs.
Um, no thank you.
First of all, I'd have to be drunk.
Second of all, I would need some ranch.
Then they play with monkeys.
I'm not nearly as amazed by the monkeys as I am at Lindsay's bravery.
It takes some serious courage to crouch over like that in a swimsuit, but she does it well.
If in the same situation, we all know that I would lay down with my back arched and my arms stretched over my head (to promote optimum skinniness) and just let the monkeys come to me.

They go sit amidst the floats and the flowers and they watch some native women perform a dance...but all I can think about is how in the world these ladies with the super long nails manage to wipe themselves after going potty.  I know, I'm super mature.

ASHLEE'S DATE

 Let's take a quick moment and check out her smokin' hot bod.  VERY impressed AshLee.

Sean is like "Hey there AshLee.  You have fear and abandonment issues right?
 Well, I've got a fun idea!
Let's put those to the test and see if I can lead you through this super scary cave.  And let's just keep our fingers crossed and hope that we both come out together on the other side alive and without you having a complete and total psychological breakdown."
AshLee spews some metaphors about caves and trust.
They emerge on the other side at the private beach and make-out.
Then they go to dinner and make-out.
At dinner, AshLee says she doesn't take getting engaged lightly.
I wonder if her first hubby is watching this and giving her the ol' Tierra eyebrow.


Oh dear.
Ashlee requests a cushion cut ring with diamonds around the band in a size 6 1/2.
She claims he has healed her broken heart, and I start to get really nervous.


CATHERINE'S DATE
Time for Sean to spend a little alone time with Catherine.
Catherine is totally low maintenance and easy going, 
Otherwise known as THE COMPLETE POLAR OPPOSITE OF ASHLEE.

I said last week how Catherine's sisters shouldn't ever run a political campaign for her.
Well, she shouldn't run one for herself either.
She called herself weird like 138 times tonight.

I'm thinking it's super obvious that Sean likes Catherine the best.  He just seems to smile more when he is with her.  I'm thinking he is really appreciative of her low-maintenance vibe.
And then she seals the deal by doing a back flip off of the boat with him.

He lets her know that he digs the whole back flip thing by throwing her up against the boat and kissing her Arie style.

Sean gets dressed for the rose ceremony (and women across America thank ABC for capturing this moment), and then he meets with his old buddy Chris.
He tells Chris that he knows who he is going to send home.
Still, Harrison has him go look at their pictures and watch videos that the final 3 left for him.
In Lidsay's video, she giggles a lot.  Like A LOT.
In Catherine's video she says that Sean "gave her the wiggles".  Oogie.
In AshLee's video, here's a shocker, she talks in metaphors.
And then she says, and I quote,
"Because of who you are to me, I know that I am no longer broken."
As soon as the words come out of her mouth it looks Sean can't decide if he
 wants to wet his pants or puke.
He suddenly seems conflicted.  Well, not so much conflicted as FREAKING OUT that he's about to send poor broken AshLee home after she just gave him credit for making her whole again!
 He looks out to the turbulent waters in the ocean.
I imagine AshLee would say that his feelings are crashing against his soul just like
the waves against the shore.

Now the girls walk in for the rose ceremony holding little umbrellas that
they plucked out of some fruity drinks.   
And listen, AshLee came to play.  She brought the girls for back-up.


 Nervousness abounds as Sean is getting ready to hand out the roses.

Lots of trembling hands, lots of deep breathing, lots of dramatic pauses, and Lindsay even lets a naughty word slip out. 

Lindsay and Catherine get the roses, and I have to admit I am a little sad. 
I really liked AshLee (despite the metaphors).....but I have to say I got over my sadness quickly.
AshLee turned on a dime and went from a sweet little abandoned puppy to a rabid dog so fast it made my head spin.
And that's when my sadness turned to fear.
At first she stood as still as a statue for what seemed like a sweet forever.
When she finally looked at Sean, although I can't be certain,
I'm almost positive I saw death rays shooting out of her eyes.

She doesn't even look at the final 2 as she walks out. 
Miss Smarty Pants Lindsay hypothesizes that she "is pissed".  Thank you Captain Obvious.
I'm betting that AshLee looks back at this and is less than thrilled with how she reacted.
Way to perpetuate the whole "woman scorned" stereotype Ashlee.
I certainly hope the producers had a nice cocktail laced with Xanax and Lexapro waiting for AshLee in the limo.  

The End.

And everybody can hold their breath with excitement awaiting next week's
WOMEN TELL ALL episode
Y'all.
I'm expecting fireworks.
And maybe a verbal smackdown or two.
Tierra's eyebrow will most certainly be in rare form, and I'm imagining there will be some back-stabbing and finger pointing of epic proportion.
And fingers crossed that I'll be reunited with Selma!
Yep, it's gonna be good.

And I don't have an outfit recreation this week...just plum ran out of time...but I was inspired by Ashley's statement necklace and thought I would show you a handful that J Crew Factory has to offer right now. And, everything at The Factory is 25% off today!


 And as always....
you can follow me on facebook HERE
you can follow me on Pinterest HERE
you can find me on twitter at @simsslp

And please don't forget to check out Shay's blog (Sean's sister) for her take on things.  Click HERE
It's a must read!

And last but certainly not least, 
click HERE to enter my contest for these Sparkly Green Earrings and the book!
 
And if you are new here and want to catch up on my other Bachelor recaps, click HERE.

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53 comments:

  1. I can't type this comment because I'm on the floor laughing my butt off. I guarantee you...out in LA right now, my little brother is doing the same. Bravo lady. Bravo!

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  2. I am an Oklahoman living in Belgium and read you (and Shay's blogs) every day at lunch (thank you both for blogging at 5am! :)) You had me 2 weeks ago at "some body give me a certs"...I giggled out loud! I thought my father was the only person to still buy certs. Wonderfully funny stuff...and you say what everyone is thinking! Thank you :)

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  3. I missed Monday nights show because my husband is afraid watching it will rob him of his masculinity. So glad I can come here for the hilarious recap. Who knew the Bachelor was a comedy series?! Love it!

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  4. You are the highlight of my Wednesdays! Your Bachelor commentaries are so spot-on and downright hilarious - LOVE it! Your blog is a must-read for me every other day of the week too. I always end up laughing a LOT...and wanting to buy whatever you are featuring. Well done!

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  5. And as always, you deliver! The entire time I am reading your Bachelor post I am laughing and agreeing with everything you said. You are a funny lady! Have a good Wednesday.

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  6. Oh my goodness - you are HILARIOUS!!!

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  7. It was as if A shopped in the Jr's dept. for that dress. Mercy!

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  8. Sheaffer- the real question is why hasn't Sean proposed to YOU before? ;)

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  9. You are too funny and such a good writer! I love starting my day off by laughing out loud!

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  10. So funny! I'm sad this is all coming to an end in a couple weeks because I love your recaps so much! Hilarious :)

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  11. Love your weekly recaps...I'm so excited for next week!!!

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  12. I love the rabid dog comment!!! Ahh hahaha!!! I'm still laughing!!

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  13. I love the rabid dog comment!! Ahh hahaha!! Still laughing!!

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  14. girl ~ you are TOO funny!! i'm so with you on the whole eating bugs thing although i'm not sure that drunk & ranch would even be enough...so gross!! and the super long nails/potty issue ~ if only i would have recorded mine and hubby's convos the other night!! i'm totally mature right along with ya! ha! ;)

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  15. you literally make me laugh out loud at work every Wednesday. Love it!!!!!

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  16. Love it again. Exactly what I was thinking. U just said it funnier. Love ur blog. Laughing out loud and I needed some laughing today. Thank u!!!!

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  17. You HAVE to keep doing Bachelor/ Bachelorette recaps even after Sean is gone. You ROCK!

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  18. Holy moly Sheaffer these Bachelor recaps are absolutely hysterical! I just crack up every time I read them. Love your blog, but it's making me want to shop way more than necessary! I just love you and Shay!

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  19. I love reading] your recaps! I have to admit while watching the show in the back of my mind I am thinking about hey I bet this is going to go up or what you may say about different situations! It does start out my day with a good laugh! :)

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  20. I love your recaps, I look forward to them every week :)

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  21. Your recap was amazing. My hubby has been watching (voraciously) this season with me and I find myself offering commentary to him through the whole episode. You summed it all up for me beautifully! :) Those death rays shooting through Ashlee's eyes pretty much sent any male viewer's nether regions up into his stomach. Gurl has some issues. Hubby was a big fan of hers until he saw that. He's pretty sure Sean should stay far, far, far...far away. His words. (I edited out a few "fars" for the purpose of time.)
    Mindy

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  22. Sheaffer - you are the best! Thank you for always bringing a smile to my face. You really know how to brighten our days and make good use of our facial muscles! Keep up the great work - can't wait to read next weeks post and see your recap on Tierra's eyebrows!

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  23. Great recap once again, including the node to ranch dressing! Although I will say that I LOVED AshLee's response and I was giving Sean the same angry stink eye from my couch. I'm guessing AshLee was just PO'd that he let her go for the two teenie-boppers. This should get interesting!

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  24. Ahh, these photos make me want to go to Thailand and frolick around in a bikini. Nah, they just make me want to go to Thailand.

    Hilarious recap, as always! I love these and will miss them immensely when the show is over.

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  25. Omgee Sheaffer you are hilarious! Are you going to do DWTS recap too?
    My girlfriend gave up up social media for lent and I am " having" to read it to her and can barely get through cuz I laugh so hard!
    You have definitely been blessed with a sense of humor!!! Love it!!!

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  26. Oh my gosh, your recap is so freaking hilarious! Oh, and I'd need Ranch. That is SO me. You are so funny, girl!

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  27. Your comment about the bugs....
    "First of all, I'd have to be drunk.
    Second of all, I would need some ranch."
    YES. This is why we are friends. Amen.

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  28. Oh my goodness! I was reading this at work and was lauging out loud! So funny and so true! Can't wait to see what you say about The Women Tell All!!

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  29. Lindsay said "she's pissed" in response to Catherie's comment that "she didn't even say goodbye to us" I took that to be an explanation in Ashlee's defense.

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  30. I took Lindsay's comment "she's pissed" as an explanation in Ashlee's defense, when Catherine said "she didn't even say goodbye to us" I do not think she is stupid at all.

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  31. Love your recaps!

    However, I loved Ashlee's exit. You can tell it was real for her. She just got dumped, felt betrayed and rejected. No need to be sweet and make him feel better.

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  32. YOU slay me! Between the monkeys and the rabid dogs I was hysterical. You truly have a gift for this type of thing! Thank you so much for your awesome recaps!

    -Jenny

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  33. I only hope that if Sean doesn't pick Lindsay, which I hope he doesn't, that she doesn't become the next bachelorette. I don't think that in this entire season that a smart word came out of her mouth. I can't even understand what she is still doing there. She's way too young and immature for Sean.

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  34. Hysterical!!! Literally laughed out loud (at work no less!)

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  35. Completely hysterical!! Literally laughed out loud (at work - probably not the coolest thing ever!).

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  36. LOL hilarious recap!! Ashlee really started to annoy me as this season went on. She was like REALLLYYYYYYY in love with Sean...feel bad for her but I thought she might have been too intense! I hope she's not the next bachelorette! We need some fresh meat...no more re-used bachelor & bachelorettes!

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  37. That was the best review of an episode ever!

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  38. You crack me up! This is the best blog post I've read all day. I can only imagine how much fun it would be to watch these episodes with you in person! haha

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  39. Totally agree about Lindsay's squat...she's definitely comfortable in her own skin! How about last week's soft porn at the end of the show with Sean showering??? I felt SO dirty after watching that lol.

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  40. Hilarious, as usual! Thanks for the laughs! I am already sad that the Bachelor is ending soon. Watching it and reading all the hilarious blogs helps this teacher get through the beginning of the week blues! :)

    Twenty-Six Minutes for Lunch

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  41. Funniest recap ever - thanks! This is my favorite Bachelor season yet - my husband will actually watch it with me (and provide comic relief) because Lindsay's Dad is his former boss. (Totally weird, I know.) I've had my guess about who Sean picks ... and who will be the next Bachelorette!

    So glad I stumbled over from Big Mama!

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  42. I am so bummed the season is almost over....your recaps are the highlight of my week!! So freaking funny! And yes, Sean looked like he was about to puke the entire looooooooooooongest pause ever before giving out that last rose. And if Catherine doesn't cut that hair, or at least pull it back, I might find her in her sleep and do it for her!

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  43. Definitely my favorite Bachelor season ever!! I've been falling in love with Catherine since her one on one date on the glacier. I'm all about her easy going, sweet nature and those cute, round cheeks. I definitely think we would be BFF's in real life ;) Love seeing how relaxed and happy Sean is with her too. There were definitely some great girls this season and have enjoyed watching Sean on his journey. He's certainly made Texas proud! LOVE, love your posts and will miss them. I always make sure I read your last one before watching the next episode on my DVR. Feel in love with your blog from the outfits too and the first time you said LOFT. My closet is probably 70% Loft! Looking forward to next weeks post lol

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  44. I think you are brilliant! Truly brilliant. And if Tierra thinks she has sparkle....well, she and her eyebrow haven't seen what real sparkle is all about ; )
    You, my friend, share your sparkle with all of us and we all love it!

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  45. Sheaffer!! I just read this and had the biggest laugh I've had in a long time! I haven't watched this show in ages. Your hilarious!!!

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  46. I have read all your reviewings. This is my first comment. Literally, I choked with laughter, re-reading this to my husband. You are a hoot!!!! I want you to be my side sick friend. I'd say you and Shay have had many laughs throughout the years.

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  47. and this is exactly why I read your blog...literally, every word you wrote is what everyone is thinking. LOVE It!

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  48. So funny, can't wait to read what you have to say about the women's tell all!

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I would of course love to hear what you think! As long as it is super sweet.....and maybe a little sassy. Sheaffer :)

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